oh dumb xanga you really do bring out the worst in me...
heh. I want to do something with my hair. cut or color or bleach Im not sure. Im getting tired of taking care of it for long term style goals
I thought I was doing well in leaving this wierd little pit alone but I just come back.
practiced some math today. every day I try to learn more about any type of numerical law Im not capable of holding it. I dont know..
Its all just logic, raw concrete logic..Isnt it? But I cant do it.. my mind just locks up. I can relearn this stuff every week.
I cant code I cant calculate.
I just cant process logic?!
It would explain alot.
Im starting to question my devotion to the pharmacy.
Ive literally been told that a misplaced decimal is a mistake that could cost a patient's life.
funny! The greatest weakness I will admit to becoming an overbearing fear for the rest of my working life.
Numbers and Math are my weakness. I can say it. There. are you happy?
Every bit of my fascade crumbles at the sight of a problem. I hate the feeling of being watched while struggling with reason. I know I can do it, but my mind seems to reject it every time.
Hundreds of Endless paths all lead up to the same answer.
Infinity harnessed.
Its kind of sad. So many dimensions but theye all under law. Look up to the beautiful sky, only to know that the universe really does have a limit. Right down to every last star behind the heavens.
This structure is so cold. so... passionless? I dont know how to describe it. Grasping these concepts forever just feels mechanical.
I dont want to be a machine. Im a person... albeit a distant, quiet recluse with rather feral tendancies, but none the less a person. A girl. A girl who fools herself into thinking shes a woman, but in reality shes just the same premature mess shes always been, naieve and willing.
It takes fire, a passion to be like that. Even the slightest flame of hope that something pure still exists. Ive always had it burning. In my heart and in my blood, but I would be lying if I can say Ive never been burned by my own flames.
Im too aloof and trusting, adventurous and risky, curious and giving. No matter where I am I am homesick. I live in a constant frenzy... my space is always a mess, my speech patterns are erratic, my concentration is as consistent as the breeze , and my mind is always flooded with images.
There is no order where I step, sometimes I try to grasp on to something, or someone to just feel like something in this moment wont be fleeting.
Everything I do comes from a strange solution of instinct and faith. Its always been in my heart to create, and to dream. Something that cant be measured, something that cant be contained. cant be computed. Constantly burning.
There is no structure to the solution.
whenever I look at a problem, a code, a computation- It represents everything I will never be capable of being. Not because I cant, but because every cell in my body wont. Like rejecting a organ someone had to pay for.
any system that controls the outcomes is a threat.
I guess the only logical conclusion is that logic is a threat to myself.
I was born to set heaven on fire
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